I remember being really proud of this apartment and that I could afford to live here and hold down a steady job making good money. I also had a cat named Ash while I lived here. Honestly, I had a great future with Dr Pepper, but I eventually felt a bit suffocated and stunted by the corporate atmosphere. I saved up a few thousand dollars and bought a ticket to Paris, France and ended up bouncing around Europe for about 8 months. I stand behind that decision, but I often wonder what would have happened if I’d simply stayed with Dr. Pepper. One of the reasons that I decided to leave was that Dr. Pepper was moving it’s head office to Plano, TX and my apartment complex was raising the rent to $750. This apartment was literally 2 blocks away from Dr. Pepper at the time and them moving to Plano would have made it a half hour drive, at least. I was driving an old Hyundai Excel that was on it’s last legs. I knew that if I wanted to keep my job I’d have to invest in a new car. There was no way that car would have delivered me back and forth to work in Plano. I guess it just all made sense.

I moved out on a cold November day a month before my 21st birthday. I think being able to make it my own at the age of 19 gave me the confidence to start exploring more. I decided that this life thing may not be so damn hard after all. I gave my cat to my friend in the apartment complex next door and I abandoned my Hyundai at a gas station on Walnut Hill. I left the keys in the ignition and walked off. This photo is the first of I’ve seen of that apartment since I left that day, 17 years ago.

Galaxies w/ yellow eyes, bleach a daisy second prize
Cherry picking vagrants, my dashboards locked I guess I feel fine

What does all of that mean? It means nothing other than randomly associated images. I do have a suspicion though, if you’ve flown a kite then you are familiar with the standards and one of the most old school kites is the Gayla Sky Spy. I used to live in an apartment complex in Houston and across the field was a kite manufacturing plant. I don’t remember the name of it, but a bunch of kids who were older than me broke into the plant one night and stole a bunch of kites. Almost every kite they lifted was this standard white with yellow blood shot eye designed kite that is in the photo. Who the fuck thought this would be a good design escapes me, but I’ve seen this kite in circulation for at least 30 years now. I see them every year at the kite festival. It’s got two yellow eyes with a cursive font reading, “Gayla Sky Spy” above the eyes, but the the font is done in such a way that from a far it kinda looks like the word “Galaxy Spy”.

So the next time you hear that song by Pavement and he sings “Galaxies with yellow eyes” this might be what he’s talking about. I took this photo this weekend at the Austin Kite Festival:

At times I think about the world’s first ghost. It must have happened at some point. He or She just walked around thinking, “This fucking sucks. Where are all the other ghosts? Oh look, there’s a length of chain. I guess I’ll just rattle this.”

The other day I organized all of our hot sauces on the shelf in order of hotness. We have lots of different kinds. Probably 9. There’s one in particular we got from a wedding in 2006. The couple divorced after a year of marriage. I always find it odd that their hot sauce lasted longer than they did. I also find it odd that we still have it. It’s almost empty, but I can’t bring myself to throw it away as it has a picture of them on the bottle looking very happy. It’s like that couple is stuck in time on the hot sauce label in my cubbard. When I reach for it I think, “There you two are. Look how happy you were back then.”

Somewhere there is a middle aged Mexican man writing, “When I was a kid I would go over my friend’s houses and if they had lots of different bottles of hot sauces I thought they were rich.”

I was married one Autumn on a beautiful day in a fancy mansion in Austin, TX. Moreover, it was truck month.

When I lived in Long Beach I used to hang out at this house in Huntington Beach. It was a huge house, but the 3 guys that lived there only hung out in one particular room upstairs. They wore hockey jerseys and watched that movie, “Kentucky Fried Movie” over and over. I would go over there with Jaimo Welch and buy weed until I met Lil Scoop G, but for some reason, at that point in my life, the place was too weird for me. Maybe it was because of the lack of furniture or whatever. Years later  I lived with a guy, Josh B., who watched the movie “Idiocracy” like these guys watched “Kentucky Fried Movie”. Both of them ruined that movie for me.

One time when I was at the Kentucky Fried Movie house a guy came out of the bathroom and hadn’t zipped his pants up  yet and started rubbing his balls on the mouth of the communal bong.

Everyone laughed.

I’m pretty sure they were Canadian.

The only reason I would want to go to Cost Co at this point in my life is to watch all the birds that are trapped in there. Every time I’ve ever been to Cost Co there are always some birds flying rafter to rafter all freaked out wondering what the fuck is going on. They don’t know why they decided to go into Cost Co or how they got there or how to get out. It just happened. My wife and I decided a couple years ago that we don’t need to buy a 4 pack of canoes or a mattress of toilet paper. People who shop at Cost Co don’t need to. There’s no reason for that. I understand the idea of saving money when buying in bulk, but that place is simply unneccessary.

Late in the afternoon the goldfish in my pond sing slave songs.

Last year I got drunk at the Crappiethon after me and Ricky smoked out behind the Golden Chick.

An elephant led a few cows down to the beach for a bath.

He then traded two rain ponchos for a vodka bottle of cooking oil.

Slowly, high tide washed away the daily sacrifice

when a dead blowfish washed ashore. A surfer buried

it on his way , way out

The shells, now just a symbol of their youth

waited.

In the sky, the sun, was just some weird spice.

Hatchet FACE

OH Hatchet FACE

there’s 2 dead lizards just a floating in the pool

pray to krisna

you can be a dad

I keep thinking I should get “WEIGE” put on the back window of my truck in Old English stickers to let the other German’s know our family made it over.

I know it’s common place that moths and bugs crowd around the front porch light, but I spend so much time there. I’ve seen many a moth die there, on the front porch and I think to myself, “You almost made it back to Mexico.” And then I bury them by kicking a kick of my boot tip into the dirt, putting the moth in and then kicking some dirt over it.

It’s the least I can do.

4 Mexican ladies come to clean my house each week. They fold all my clothes, do the dishes, clean the blinds and ceiling fans and even change the sheets and mop the floors of the rooms we never go in.

I wish one of them would cut my hair while they are here. This would save me a trip to down to “Cortes Rapido” on the East Side.

I have guns hidden all over the house. I know they see them when they clean.

I learned how to hide guns when I worked at a pawn shop in old Mesquite.

I’m ready.

Come and try me.

Not anymore. Its been months. I haven’t seen the snake in months. I haven’t seen its tracks in months.

I guess it must have moved on. Probably realizing that certain spot wasn’t the best spot to live after all.

I guess that’s what happened to that part of me.

Anyhow, I built a man a big  14 inch knife out of some of the shit and broke out into a serious allergic reaction. It took me awhile to trace it back and I thought it was from some Australian Iron Wood I was working with, but… Basically, it ate all the skin off my arms, stomach, feet and after 13 days of that shit got into my face and puffed my face up so bad I had to go to the doctor. The doctor said, “I don’t know how you’ve been tolerating it this long, but here’s some steroids.” So he gave me some steroids and said he’d like me to make him a knife. Said he had a custom kitchen knife made when he was young and wanted another. Paid for my fucking doctor visit.

So here’s the deal. This shit literally ate the top layer skin off my fingers, wrists arms, up to my elbow, then created a scab hole in my belly button and all around my stomach, ate the skin off my dick and then fucked up my arm pits so bad I can’t wear deodorant and then ate the skin off my ankles, feet and between my toes. I was totally fine with all of this until one day I woke up and my wife said, “Travis, you’re face is all swollen up. You look terrible. I’m going to call the doctor.” So she did and I went.

I started taking this medicine and it dried up my face so bad I can hardly see. I’m taking 4 huge pills of steroids every day to get over this terrible infection. My eyes are so sensitive that if a ceiling fan is on it hurts because the wind is chapping my face more and more.

Most people would cry and whine and lay in bed. Fuck that. I’ve literally had some fucking leper shit, skin peeling off me for almost two weeks and am up working even now. Godamn midnight on Valentine’s Day.

It feels like I have terrible sunburn on my face and ants are stinging me on that sunburn and there’s a bright light in my face constantly. What the fuck are you looking at? I’m a godamn leper with the skin peeling off my face everywhere and I can’t breathe right at all because I been making knives.

There’s some godamn poor kids out there that ain’t ever heard the sweet sound of a dollar hitting the window of an ice cream truck ordering up a spider man bubble gum with gummy bear center and you’re wanting to complain about some obama taking away your assault weapons to kill the rich honkeys. Fuck all you honkeys. I can’t even breath right because I been drinking crown royal and smoking marlboro golds and working outside 14 hours a day out back near my kale garden, where the koi vanish and the weeping willow weep tears of joy and the pecan trees feed dog sized squirrels  when I can.

I don’t mean to get mean, but everything changes when your skin starts to fall off your entire body. I gotta lotta rage built up in me in right now because of all the pain I’ve been tolerating. I’m looking at this screen right now and it’s literally blurry with cayenne pepper waterfalls on my godamn face. Fire ants been stinging my skin for 2 godamn weeks and you don’t hear me complaining about it until I need something to write about. I grilled chicken last night half blind in the dark with a lantern motherfucker.

Day bacon is when you cook an entire pack of bacon and use it for every meal of the day or maybe just walk in the kitchen now and again and snack on some bacon or give a nibble to the dog.

I can’t believe you never heard of “day bacon”.

Anyhow, I put another 3 tablespoons into yesterday’s coffee filter and brew it. I just keep adding to it until its about to overflow or mold grows.

I go out to the garage and start grinding. Grinding on knives with the radio blaring and my dog right there just watching for squirrels.

I turn up the radio because it’s on 93.7 Austin Rock and that ZZ Top song is on where they say they’re “just looking for some touch”.

I know what “touch” is. I used to do “touch”.

The sun rises and I hear all the finches chipping and doing whatever in the trees. Sometimes they tell me their feeder is out of food so I dump another mason jar of food in.

My family wakes up so I turn on the TV to see what the weather is going to be like.

If it’s rain then I get the barrels ready.

If it’s over 70 then I don’t wear my boots.

If it’s over 70 then I get the lemonade-tea ready. The AP’s, the Argyle Peaknuckles, the Alfred Poontangs, the Augustus Pearlinsons, the Abigale Passons, the Aston Peacemakers, the Arnie Peadmonts, the fucking juice.

Now I have to take care of the baby so I start singing or making faces. My wife always dresses my baby in full clothing from head to toe. I always take all my baby’s clothes off. It’s too much of a hassle with all that shit on. He doesn’t need any thing on except a diaper.

The song goes,

Itsy bitsy spider
eaten by a dragon
out came the honkeys
to work a 40 hour week
crappie fish and flounder
Tribe Called Quest
auto body repair shop
snapping turtle high school
how i wonder what you are
hahahahahahaha
.

And that seems to work.

Then I take a Benadryl for my terrible hive condition.

I use lots of weird materials and chemicals out in the shop so it probably came from that. Maybe from a weird brussel sprout recipe I had at a fancy restaurant recently.

Anyhow, I stay busy you know.

Looking at stuff online. IMing some friends. Checking out my profile. Getting some traffic in my social media and doing some SEO and dropping tweet bombs.

Then it gets dark real early and my baby gets cranky.

I check eBay and update my bid on a Depression Era Emerald Green Glass Cut Butter Dish. I’m winning at this very moment with a $1.27 bid.

I go up in the loft and check my mouse traps. I’ve had mouse traps up there, set up for 9 months now but haven’t caught a mouse. The trap springs once every 3 months but I’ve yet to win. I keep trying and rub some Cortazone 10 on my hives and put in a good tape.

Then I take some deer meat out of the freezer and thaw it out.

Yesterday I took a bunch of deer meat up to the Police Station. I took my baby with me. Those pigs sure were happy to see my baby and all that deer meat. Those godamn cops hanging out at the Farmer’s Market all the time with their fat fingers like Jimmy Dean Pre-Cooked Maple Flavor Sausages sitting up in the Sunset Valley trailer.

When it gets late and I’m out in my shop I start the sharpening process, which takes a certain mood and a certain groove and I go and grab a real cold potato from the fridge.

My family is long asleep as it’s probably around midnite or 2am. I don’t need as much sleep as them.

I break out my iPad and continue reading the 4000 page book I’ve been reading forever and a day. The lonesome dove story. Or I just read a How To book or Texas Monthly.

Then I go to sleep and wake up around 3AM.

Sometimes I get up. Sometimes I don’t.

When I do. I go out to the garage and check on the epoxy.

Best Cheeseburgers

HopDoddy’s
The best godamn cheeseburger in all of Austin, TX is made by HopDoddy. Quality ingredients, hand ground beef keeps this place consistently turning out a great burger cooked a perfect medium rare. The fries are good too. They only make burgers and fries. That’s it. They do a damn good job of it. No one in Austin makes a better burger.

The Roaring Fork
The Roaring Fork makes something they call, “The Big Ass Burger” and it’s pretty damn big. It’s pretty damn expensive too coming in at $14 although it does come with fries. I don’t know that I’ve ever seen anyone eat a whole one because they offer half the Big Ass Burger for $10 and that’s enough for most people. This burger comes topped with a poblano pepper, pepper smoked bacon, cheddar cheese and the usual veggies. Not quite as good as HopDoddy’s and coming in at a higher price make this one second in my book.

Hut’s
Hut’s makes a fine cheeseburger at the great price of $7. Every Wednesday they do 2 for 1 as well. I’ve had most every burger they sell and my favorite is the Ritchie Valens Burger. It comes with guacamole, shredded cheddar and jalapenos. Damn fine burger in a super cool atmosphere. Burger rank #3, atmosphere rank #1.

Dan’s Hamburgers
Back in the 70′s a married couple name Dan and Fran owned a few hamburger joints in Austin and they were called, “Dan’s Hamburgers”. Dan and Fran got a divorce and soon some of them were changed to “Fran’s Hamburgers”. Personally, I’m a Dan’s man. Dan has 4 locations around Austin. I like the one on S. Congress as this was where a lot of scenes from the Friday Night Lights series was filmed. They also make a damn fine burger. This is also the only one in the BEST section that’ll load you up with a double meat cheeseburger for $5.64. Damn fine price.

I have to add an Honorable Mention to this section. I almost forget about:

FuddRuckers
When’s the last time you went to a FuddRucker’s? They make a tasty, tasty cheeseburger. Never frozen, juicy, fat burgers with little stations so you can add your own mayo, letuce, pickles, etc. I love a FuddRucker’s burger when I remember this place exists.

Good Cheeseburgers

Now we get into the chain type burgers. The places that make a good cheeseburger, but have multiple locations across Texas or the US.

P. Terry’s
P. Terry’s is more of an Austin chain, but more and more are popping up daily and they are on the chain list because they taste like a chain burger. A good quality chain burger made from all-natural angus beef – vegetarian fed, hormone- and antibiotic-free. Sounds good right? It is. It’s good and comes in at the top of the GOOD Burger list.

Might Fine
Another Austin and surrounding area chain that does a customer right when it comes to a cheeseburger. This place is always spotlessly clean and simple to get in and out of. They sell nothing but hamburgers in 1/4th or 1/2 pound sizes. Doesn’t get any easier and I’ve never had a bad burger from this place.

5 Guys
5 Guys is a national chain that started in the 80′s somewhere in Washington D.C., but they make a damn good burger. Big, juicy burgers that don’t taste like a chain burger because nothing is ever frozen. They don’t even have freezers in their stores. I never mind picking up a burger from 5 Guys.

Culver’s Butter Burgers
Culver’s also started in the 1980′s, but they started somewhere in Wisconsin. These are also very delicious because I think just about everything on the burger is cooked in butter. You can cook a cow turd in butter and it would probably taste good. Luckily, Culver’s uses mid-west beef that’s never frozen. See the theme here? Don’t freeze the shit out of the meat and you’ll have a better burger. Cook that burger in butter and you’re really on to something if you don’t kill your customers off with instant heart attacks.

And that’s it. That’s where it stops for me, but I’m going to continue because I’m not going to sit here and pretend that I don’t have to get a fast food cheeseburger from time to time. It happens due to time restrictions, laziness (AKA convenience) and whatever else. So here are the best of the worst burgers:

Whataburger
A Whataburger cheeseburger is miles above it’s competition in the best of the worst category. Started in the 50′s in Corpus Christi in those weird A-frame buildings by one man. I mean the name of the place literally makes you say, “What a burger!” Fucking genius. Now with hundreds of locations across the US these soy based, gluten fueled burgers come in at around 1000 calories each. Absolutely terrible for you, freshly thawed gut bombs are pretty godamn good. If I have to get a chain burger I’ll drive a few extra miles to find a Whataburger w/ a side of onion rings.

Wendy’s
At least they try to be healthy and it’s kind of sweet that Dave named it after his daughter. Dave seemed like some weird grandpa who loved grilling too much. Wendy’s was actually one of the first to offer healthy alternatives to french fries like sliced apples, small salads and actually put salad bars in their stores. Their motto is “Quality is our Recipe”. This is much different than places like McDonald’s who change their motto every other week to hide their actual motto of, “Oh fuck it. Come get some fucking taste of death at McDonald’s.” I’ll eat a Wendy’s burger, but only if I have to.

Carl’s Jr.
This is like a pig slop burger. I don’t know where this place originates. California I think and there are a few in Texas, but I’ve only eaten here 2 or 3 times. And what the fuck is up with the name? Doesn’t even make any sense. Carl’s Jr. what? Are you really trying to say, “Carl Jr.”? Like there was a Carl Sr.? Or is it supposed to be something like, “Carl Jr.’s Hamburgers”? I don’t know about this place. I think they actually try to advertise their burger as completely dripping in grease and Carl Sauce or something. It’s just the same as the burgers below though.

Burger King
Look at this fucking photo a friend of mine sent me when I told him I was going to write a blog entry about cheeseburgers. That’s a REAL photo of a REAL burger that Evan bought at Burger King a month or so ago. Fucking disgusting. Click on the photo. I dare you.


Jack In the Box
Terrible food made of terrible ingredients. I’ve never eaten here and felt good about my decision afterwards. A friend of mine is an ER doctor in Austin and he says Jack in the Box is second on the list of people who come in for food poisoning. #1? Taco Bell. Yeah, I know… no surprise there.

McDonald’s
It gets no worse than McDonald’s. I don’t eat at McDonald’s, my child won’t eat at McDonald’s because every time I drive by a McDonald’s I’m going to tell him, “See those golden arches? That’s where the devil keeps the dead people he kills at night.” I don’t consider this a place that actually serves food and I’m not sure why it’s still in business. I can’t remember the last time I had a burger here. Had to have been a decade ago. This is pretty much a shit patty, between two slices of shit. I do remember the fries being damn good though. I also remember dropping a fry between my seats then cleaning out my car several months later and that fry looking the EXACT same as when I dropped it only it got hard. Like if you were trapped in your car after going off a bridge and water was filling up fast and you were looking around for something to cut through the seat belt and / or windshield and you happened to pick up a long lost McDonald’s french fry it wouldn’t be a problem. You could cut through that shit no problem with that french fry and then live a few days off the fry and then get diarrhea and die.

That’s it. That’s all I got. Now go get yourself a fat, juicy cheeseburger.