A rant about social networking.

Ah, the world of social networking. Two or three years ago I sat on a guest panel as students at UT’s McCombs School of Business asked us about the future of social networking with a focus on the music industry. They asked lots of great questions and I said then and still say it now, music has no future on Facebook and Myspace will default to a spam trap of new band chaos. I also admitted bands should take control and create their own websites if they want a respectable online presence. I think those things are still true.

Today, I check my Facebook accounts on a daily basis to watch with a train wreck like awe at the lives of people pass by. This includes a wide range of relationship statuses from people I used to know in high school to people I see now and then. I do not use any social networking site to find new music. Mostly, I don’t participate and have no recognizable photos of myself on these sites. Nor do I put any information that could lead to people getting too close to me. If I know you and want you to contact me then you have that information already.

This being said, here are the Top 5 things that I find funny and annoying about your life:

5: Your relationship woes.

Hate your wife, boyfriend or parents? Just get divorced, dumped, fucked or are going through a bad break up and want to bad mouth the other person publicly? Your uncle just died or your dog is in the hospital and you need some prayers? This is one of saddest airings of dirty laundry or pity party banter available on the net today.  I do actually find it funny that you are a recently single 36 year old woman for the 5th time in 7 months though. Oh and when you hurt your foot wake boarding I didn’t get down on my knees and pray for you like you asked. What I did was call you a christian pussy and deleted you from my friend list. Which brings me to…

4: Your religious views.

So you think Twilight was born of the devil. Taylor Swift is the anti-christ and Disney movies have porn in them? You post retarded shit like, “Can’t wait to get up and go to church in the morning!” or “Potluck at Wednesday service! Join us ya’ll!” You my friend, are one of the worst and should be able to witness your friend count dwindling on a daily basis. Your daily bible quotes are an incessant thumping that drives people mad and furthermore, away from your Christian ass. You are not a Facebook messiah and no… Jesus does not accept “kneemail”.

3: Where you are going today or what you are eating.

So you ate another fucking taco, big deal. Oh wait… you just now checked into Chik-Fil-A and took a photo of your waffle fries with your iPhone? No fucking way! Let me read that mind blowing shit again. Does it ever stop? No, because only a few hours later you are eating a hot dog on the street. I think I can actually see you getting fatter from behind this screen. Is that the point? After that you went to Target, Starbucks and then probably to Bath & Body Works because your life is one long, sad, gay parade of who gives a fuck.

2. Your kids or your pets.

Nothing in the entire world is less interesting than to read your son just took another shit in his pants. BUT your lack of parenting skills is always entertaining. Wishing your kids would just shut up publicly will be wonderful evidence when CPS shows up at your house. Especially for that time you couldn’t find a babysitter and left your children of the corn at home while you went to the Billy Idol concert w/ your cousin’s husband. Who it seems you’re now fucking. Anyhow,  I know you think your kids are adorable, but all I see is a breach of family security and a touch of down syndrome in the eyes of your weird looking baby. I don’t care about your animals either, especially your godamn show pig. Keep your shit private as most people don’t give a fuck that your cat ran away.

1. How hard you party

“Just got out of jail… again!” Is something I read right before I delete you from my friend list. Except it will read, “Juss get outta jale gain shit homei!” because not only can you not spell, but you’ve never been able to use the right form of Their, They’re, There, You’re, Your, since, sense or anything else that is remotely complicated for a 4th grade grammar student. I know it’s important to your friends that you pose with a jello shot by 1. a stack of cans 2. your mom’s fake tits 3. a pimped ride. I know it’s enticing to  post 15 action shots of your greatest beer pong moments, but take a break from personally dragging down modern civilization and pull your swimming trunks up. The last thing the prosecuting attorney at your DWI trial wants to see is your half shaven pubes.

P.S. Don’t forget to add me!